I continue to think about this 'control' assignment and am really still at a loss. I have recognized some smaller day to day things and feel as though I have let 'go' of them as they come up. I don't feel like I am trying to ‘control the world’. But then again I never really felt I did – maybe I do? Who knows. I can admit that the one huge item weighing on me, I just cannot let go of. I cannot put it in God's hands, I cannot put it in a stranger's hands and in my opinion, there will not be reliable resources for a few years down the road. Every time I begin to think of the what-ifs I lose my emotions. 'Letting go' or not having control of this is not an option.
I contemplate about what else there is and where I can free up some of the mind bogging items. But I feel so saturated that I don't even know where to start or what to feel about anything. I know I am trying to have really good, positive days. But I just seem to go from ok, to crying to angry/frustrated.
Then, it almost seems just to test me, my husband learned his ex has been discussing (his) kids with his mother (my mil). There are no boundaries it seems. The two of them discuss items, then before we know it, my husband's entire family knows our business without him knowing or until they ask him about it and he had no idea. It is one thing to discuss little things, i.e. a grade in school but this is not the case. My husband confronted her asking that this stop, it is his place and his business to share this sort of information with his family. But then went on, and didn't care if they discussed him/us, just the kids should be kept private. Bingo, a prime example of do I speak up, or not. Is this something I can control?
I know that I cannot control what anyone else chooses to share even if I wanted. However, I don't want our business, her frustrations with myself or my husband shared with my mother in law by his ex-wife. We are trying to mend a relationship there and while I am not 100% that we are a topic of discussion, I don't need it being one. So, I relayed that to my husband. Should I have let this be? Not spoken up? I don't know, but either way, I can't control the actual outcome.
Once upon a time, I wouldn't have cared. If anyone felt the need to discuss me or my family or if anyone else felt the need to choose sides or share information that isn't theirs, then well that is between them and so be it. However my confidence is so shot and I feel so, so beaten, I don't want to even have to think about if someone else, especially an ex and a member of my family believe they have the okay to discuss issues of our children or venting of what we have/haven't done. I am not so vain to think my life or behavior is a topic of discussion, but it has happened in the past based on passing comments that at times we indeed are. I just don’t need it. Not now, not ever.
This leaves me feeling a bit crazy again. I don't feel like I have any control over these situations and while I know I can control my reaction to them, I have no confidence to feel stronger about my reaction. The only thing I feel sure of is how much I hate feeling this way. And that begets the vicious cycle of then feeling so selfish for feeling this way; so silly and pathetic. After all, I am lucky to have all I do. I just am having a hard time seeing it through the cloud in my head right now. I don't remember giving them away, but I want the keys back. Now.