Tuesday, November 15, 2011

No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys...

Control freak cont. (or just crazy)
I continue to think about this 'control' assignment and am really still at a loss.  I have recognized some smaller day to day things and feel as though I have let 'go' of them as they come up.  I don't feel like I am trying to ‘control the world’.  But then again I never really felt I did – maybe I do?  Who knows.  I can admit that the one huge item weighing on me, I just cannot let go of. I cannot put it in God's hands, I cannot put it in a stranger's hands and in my opinion, there will not be reliable resources for a few years down the road. Every time I begin to think of the what-ifs I lose my emotions. 'Letting go' or not having control of this is not an option.

I contemplate about what else there is and where I can free up some of the mind bogging items.  But I feel so saturated that I don't even know where to start or what to feel about anything. I know I am trying to have really good, positive days. But I just seem to go from ok, to crying to angry/frustrated.

Then, it almost seems just to test me, my husband learned his ex has been discussing (his) kids with his mother (my mil). There are no boundaries it seems. The two of them discuss items, then before we know it, my husband's entire family knows our business without him knowing or until they ask him about it and he had no idea.  It is one thing to discuss little things, i.e. a grade in school but this is not the case.  My husband confronted her asking that this stop, it is his place and his business to share this sort of information with his family.  But then went on, and didn't care if they discussed him/us, just the kids should be kept private. Bingo, a prime example of do I speak up, or not. Is this something I can control? 

I know that I cannot control what anyone else chooses to share even if I wanted. However, I don't want our business, her frustrations with myself or my husband shared with my mother in law by his ex-wife. We are trying to mend a relationship there and while I am not 100% that we are a topic of discussion, I don't need it being one. So, I relayed that to my husband. Should I have let this be?  Not spoken up?  I don't know, but either way, I can't control the actual outcome. 

Once upon a time, I wouldn't have cared. If anyone felt the need to discuss me or my family or if anyone else felt the need to choose sides or share information that isn't theirs, then well that is between them and so be it. However my confidence is so shot and I feel so, so beaten, I don't want to even have to think about if someone else, especially an ex and a member of my family believe they have the okay to discuss issues of our children or venting of what we have/haven't done. I am not so vain to think my life or behavior is a topic of discussion, but it has happened in the past based on passing comments that at times we indeed are.  I just don’t need it.  Not now, not ever.

This leaves me feeling a bit crazy again. I don't feel like I have any control over these situations and while I know I can control my reaction to them, I have no confidence to feel stronger about my reaction.  The only thing I feel sure of is how much I hate feeling this way.  And that begets the vicious cycle of then feeling so selfish for feeling this way; so silly and pathetic.  After all, I am lucky to have all I do. I just am having a hard time seeing it through the cloud in my head right now.  I don't remember giving them away, but I want the keys back.  Now.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Don't make me say Goodnight to Goodnights...

A while ago I was fighting the good night ritual.  It had become a not so pleasant one, and I spent so much time wishing it would pass.  Lots of anxieties, worries about surviving through the night.  Questions that I could not answer.  What was once such a sweet innocent time of snuggling and kisses and sometimes impatience had become a time of stress, sadness and loss for knowing what to do. 

Then, it happened, the anxiety slowly was cured.  FANTASTIC you say!  Yes it was.  But then it became too cool to say good night.  Too cool for snuggles.  I am a man now and don't need to be tucked in.  What!?!?  How did I know that despite the stress and true worry those nights had, I would eventually miss not having it at all.

Which brings me to last night, it was rough.  After a sleep-over and learning that sleep probably did not happen we suffered through the crankiness and tude-ness of it's aftereffects; eventually we were able to have a discussion and kissed and made up.  The rest of the night was one I wish I could hold onto forever.  Pleasant conversation.  Snuggles on the couch while watching TV and even a 'mom... can you come up and say good night.  that show freaked me out a bit'.  Me: (WHAT? YES!, wait play it cool mom!!)  umm I mean sure.  if that is what you want

Thinking in my head of course, trying hard not to show I was really dancing a jig.  My 'man' who was too cool and too grown up was spooked.  And who did he want?  That's right, ME! Momma! MEEEE! I can't even tell you how that felt. 

I climbed to the top of the stairs and walked in.  There he was blankets up to his eyebrows and he looked barely over them and welcomed me into bed.  He did not want to talk, he just wanted me there.  I sucked every second of it in.  Breathing in his hair that doesn't smell so baby fresh anymore but smelled just delightful in his own way.  Kissing his forehead and cheek, his skin still soft, not yet giving into adolescence and stubble (THANK GOODNESS!).  Saying as I used to say every night "I love you, remember you are AMAZING'.  I got the usual tired moan-groan knowing he was just about in that falling asleep mode, he did share a 'love you tooooo' whisper. 

I laid there not wanting to leave but knowing the bed was not big enough for the two of us.  I wondered how many more nights like this I may get.  I wanted to bottle it up and then began to resent myself for not embracing the past nights more.   How stupid of me!!! But I quickly shoved that voice out of my head, knowing it is something that has to happen, and so often is felt by hurried parents.  I didn't need to beat myself over it.  I needed to be thankful for even being able to have those nights at all.  I had been a single parent, I had worked two jobs - I knew what it was like to not even have the time to savor a good night.  So I told that voice to bugger off. 

I stayed a bit longer just smelling and listening to his breath and having my cheek pressed to his.  I said I love you one more time and whispered 'remember you're amazing' again.  Just because.  I walked out and looked back and realized how truly blessed I am.  Despite my rough patch now.  I know I am.  But I still don't want to say goodnight to 'goodnights'. 

Friday, November 11, 2011

Control Freak - part 1

Recently I was given an assignment: to think about some things that i could 'let go' of.  Releasing the decision making or control to either my husband, another party or just letting them be completely.  As I work through the options in my head, I am stumped.  There are definitely items I control out of preference and those out of need; but I am really struggling as to what I could honestly walk away from a 'control' perspective. 

Hearing the term control freak, I think of the typical, type A, micro-manager or parent who hovers over all.  I never considered myself that person.  When our son was born - I was that mom who didn't flinch when he fell instead using it as a moment of self-discovery for him.  A little dirt doesn't hurt.  I felt confident in the laid - back approach and overall it seemed to work well for us.  Generally, our weekends do not have to be planned.  I love being spontaneous.  I sing off-key.  I don't need to match.  I can be okay with going with the flow.  So did this change?  Or are there just key areas in my life that have become all consuming?  My quest is to find them.  Identify and surrender them elsewhere.  One, because I need to.  My head is just spinning.  But also because I do not want to be a control freak.  I also am tired of freaking out and worrying over situations that I can't control, but warrant concern. 

Thus the question of Control Freak-dom.  What am I so desperate to control?  It doesn't need to be all perfect.  How do I figure this out?

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Having a moment

I need to put myself in a timeout.  Yes.  Me.  Go sit on the stairs. And no talking.
This weekend I was pushed to the brink.  I couldn't take the jabber jabber, the sarcasm, the teenage banter or the general noise of boys/men/anyone.  So, yes. I lost it.  Snapped in front of our children.  Their friend in-tow included.  I looked absolutely psycho. 

It wasn't that bad - at least that is what I am telling myself; but I did raise my voice, I in fact did the 'oh I can turn this car around RIGHT NOW' bit and I meant it.  1000%.  It almost felt like I was being dared to fulfill it, which fortunately I didn't have to.  After my reaction, there was a silence in the car so intense all you could hear was the wind as we drove. 

Not my finest moment, but I am allowed.  I will not beat myself up over this.  In fact, I am not even apologizing for it.  That may be hypocritical, but I did ask my husband to apologize to the kids and explain how psycho I have been.  It will be a good bonding moment for them.  Normally, I would feel much different about the behavior I displayed.  But for now, I am going to allow myself the slip.

Friday, November 4, 2011

blurred vision

Vision is just one of our senses.  We rely on it to be safe, to perform our day to day duties, entertainment, etc.. It also can play tricks on us.  It has been a while since I have seen my ex in a normal day to day situation.  Typically it is in passing during the visitation drop off/pick up or randomly at an event.  During these times there is little interaction, he is dressed down and there is virtually no participation on his part.  In front of anyone, it is just a civil hello/goodbye.  Any other time, the conversation when there is one, has become hateful and argumentative or just one word answers.  I do not believe he is sober so I am always on guard for those little signals to give that away.

Recently, we met at an event that was right after work.  He came clean-shaven, dressed in his preppy way and was conversational.  After only speaking to someone or getting such angry communication from someone for so long, knowing their history of alcoholism - it was almost as though my vision of him had become blurred.  Much like the show Grimm.  Looking at him he would often morph into the sad, drunken person I was trying so hard to escape and protect my child from.  Seeing him in this light was confusing.  It is no wonder it has taken some people so long to know of his addiction.  It also reminded me that he, the true 'he' does still exist.  Deep down, somewhere in there. 

With that, it also terrifies me.  Is this a new beginning?  Is there really a new leaf or just a continued charade?  Does his new wife know of his past?  It is hard to believe that this is a possibility when there is so much continued blame and hate being thrown at you.  If one was truly recovered, there would be more acceptance and apology.  Humbleness.  I would welcome a fresh beginning if I saw that.  But there is none.  So here I am with blurred vision, not knowing what I see in front of me and wishing I had that magical prescription to see the truth.