A while ago I was fighting the good night ritual. It had become a not so pleasant one, and I spent so much time wishing it would pass. Lots of anxieties, worries about surviving through the night. Questions that I could not answer. What was once such a sweet innocent time of snuggling and kisses and sometimes impatience had become a time of stress, sadness and loss for knowing what to do.
Then, it happened, the anxiety slowly was cured. FANTASTIC you say! Yes it was. But then it became too cool to say good night. Too cool for snuggles. I am a man now and don't need to be tucked in. What!?!? How did I know that despite the stress and true worry those nights had, I would eventually miss not having it at all.
Which brings me to last night, it was rough. After a sleep-over and learning that sleep probably did not happen we suffered through the crankiness and tude-ness of it's aftereffects; eventually we were able to have a discussion and kissed and made up. The rest of the night was one I wish I could hold onto forever. Pleasant conversation. Snuggles on the couch while watching TV and even a 'mom... can you come up and say good night. that show freaked me out a bit'. Me: (WHAT? YES!, wait play it cool mom!!) umm I mean sure. if that is what you want.
Thinking in my head of course, trying hard not to show I was really dancing a jig. My 'man' who was too cool and too grown up was spooked. And who did he want? That's right, ME! Momma! MEEEE! I can't even tell you how that felt.
I climbed to the top of the stairs and walked in. There he was blankets up to his eyebrows and he looked barely over them and welcomed me into bed. He did not want to talk, he just wanted me there. I sucked every second of it in. Breathing in his hair that doesn't smell so baby fresh anymore but smelled just delightful in his own way. Kissing his forehead and cheek, his skin still soft, not yet giving into adolescence and stubble (THANK GOODNESS!). Saying as I used to say every night "I love you, remember you are AMAZING'. I got the usual tired moan-groan knowing he was just about in that falling asleep mode, he did share a 'love you tooooo' whisper.
I laid there not wanting to leave but knowing the bed was not big enough for the two of us. I wondered how many more nights like this I may get. I wanted to bottle it up and then began to resent myself for not embracing the past nights more. How stupid of me!!! But I quickly shoved that voice out of my head, knowing it is something that has to happen, and so often is felt by hurried parents. I didn't need to beat myself over it. I needed to be thankful for even being able to have those nights at all. I had been a single parent, I had worked two jobs - I knew what it was like to not even have the time to savor a good night. So I told that voice to bugger off.
I stayed a bit longer just smelling and listening to his breath and having my cheek pressed to his. I said I love you one more time and whispered 'remember you're amazing' again. Just because. I walked out and looked back and realized how truly blessed I am. Despite my rough patch now. I know I am. But I still don't want to say goodnight to 'goodnights'.