Sunday, October 30, 2011

Wonder Woman.... where are you?

Often I have felt that it really takes a superhero to manage motherhood. How fitting that Halloween is tomorrow. It also makes me (dare I say) appreciate what my parents went through raising me. How is can we though be all to all and still be sane, hold a job, etc…

If there was ever a need to have a ‘bat light’ to shine out there and have my super hero come down out of the sky, save the day and make me feel wonderful as they run off into the night it really would be now. I do have a super-hero in my husband, but it is not the same. As wonderful and amazing as he makes me feel, he is no match for the guilt and weight I put on my own shoulders. He tries, but it is like kryptonite that can’t just be picked up, flown off to the middle of the desert and buried. Instead it just sits and weighs heavier and heavier until I crash.

Today however, I did something I rarely do. I gave myself a break. I was missing my (step)son’s game this morning due to a conflict in getting my son to and from seeing his father. At first I was so annoyed that this was impacting me seeing a game but then found out the game was cancelled. So I was very thankful I was not in the car with my super mad husband driving 3 hours for nothing. It then turned into a blessing in disguise. While he was (I am sure) cursing whomever it was responsible for not sharing fields were closed due to weather, I was home chipping away at a large pile of papers that needed dealing with.

On the way to see my son’s father, my son revealed frustrations in always going to his brothers games and sitting in the cold, doing nothing. It broke my heart as we moved and he is having to find new friends yet most of our weekends are in a car going from one sport to the next. I made the decision to stay back from the second game of the day and have my son play with a neighborhood friend while I made the cookies I owe for tomorrow’s Halloween party, continued chipping away at that pile of papers, organize bills etc… It was …. nice.

I hate to say that out loud because as I sit and think about it, I am rather bummed not to be watching our other boy play. However, if I push that guilt aside, today was actually really nice. I can’t tell you the last Sunday I have had to actually get stuff done, to cook real food – one where I actually need an apron and mixer, where I am sitting down and working on something instead of rushing around and watching the clock for when we have to run out the door.

I do truly wish I could be there and do it all. when our kids grow up – I want them to know or remember wow she was there all the time; but with the current demands of our kids and having multiple children as well as work, it feels virtually impossible to be there ALL of the time. I wish I did not have to work. But I do. I am also hoping as we get to know more people who our youngest will be able to go his own way more or have a friend to bring with him instead of resenting going to his brothers games. It is hard on him as well. But for all 3 of our children, whatever it is I do hope that when they do look back they will at least acknowledge how much I tried to be there for everything. And for every time I wasn’t, there was a reason…Even if that reason was to help their brother make friends and attempt to help myself from going insane.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Girls Night Out

There’s something about seeing your girlfriends that I think helps the soul. It could also be the bottles of wine we have been known to finish off while chatting.

Lately, I have felt pretty lost. Almost as though I don’t even know myself anymore. It is a strange feeling and in the midst of keeping up with daily life’s chores,kids homework and their dramas, taking care of the home, the husband, the dog, work…. it is easy to not even realize you are lost. However, when there are those moments of quiet or calm and that feeling starts to come over you. It is almost like a gray fog that gradually becomes all-consuming.

I am not sure I would define it as depression, but that seems to be the easiest category to fit it into. I am working to learn how to manage this. How to find myself amidst it all, and actually discovering if the person I thought I was is actually who I am or just who I wanted to be. That complicates things a bit but in diving down deep to my subconscious self I begin to realize that it may just be that I never was that girl. Having some old friends surround you, with true girl perspective is helping me find out. And you know what I learned….. even if I wasn’t that girl and even if I am lost now… what a great time to carve a new path and start by being the woman I want to be now….

Monday, October 24, 2011

In the best interest...

I used to wonder why people stay together in an unhappy marriage ‘for the kids’, but now I sometimes understand it. After all, there is a lot (and I mean a LOT) of things that would be easier if you choose that route. I did not make that decision – I divorced for two significant reasons, 1) because I felt life is too short to be in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage and perhaps more importantly 2) felt it was in the best interest and health/safety for myself and my child.

At no time did I feel a direct threat to my life – and I feel for those that are in that situation. But I did have to talk my ex ‘off the ledge’ many times. I have watched as he passed out continuously, not being able to wake him. Wondered where on earth he may be because he was not home, but passed out on a metro train or other place. I could go on and on. Why I wound up in that situation is another story itself. But where things truly crossed a line for me is when there began to be a direct impact on my child.

One of the issues in dealing with addicts is that they often do not see the problem. Hence, nothing should be wrong and everyone else is the issue. That is where I am - and I am struggling with the ‘this is all your fault’, knowing it really isn’t, but hearing it enough to maybe/sort of start to believe it. When I am able to conquer that, where I then find myself is in the very vicious circle and the battle of the emotional vs. the logical of what is in the best interest of my child. I also question the best interest for myself because fighting these battles has a significant impact on all surrounding parties, but always above and beyond me, I do my part to put the impact on me aside and try to view what is it that is in the best interest of my child. Is it healthy or good that his heart is continually broken? Do I stand up for all the times I have had to explain things to his disappointing eyes? Am I a horrible mother because I am trying to protect my child and ensure they are mentally healthy and safe? When history has repeated itself so many times, how long do you keep hoping that maybe things have finally changed? And do I trust it has (knowing in my gut that it hasn’t) at the expense of my child?

My child wants time with my ex – thus the struggle. If they did not, I would fight much harder and be much more strict about it’s the by the papers or nothing. On his part, there is no stepping up, there are no proactive steps, and no proving himself which is something he has said he would work to do. But alas… here I am fighting the internal and emotion battle of what is truly in the best interest…

Friday, October 21, 2011

Where does a woman begin?

I used to keep a journal. I found that it really helped sort out the ramblings in my head. Allowing me to vent. Cry. Share what I dared not. All without sacrificing my secrets, privacy, and most of all pride. How ancient of me… Now it is facebook, blogs, everyone spewing every second of their day to 100′s or even 1000′s of ‘friends’. I am not sure if this is the right outlet for me, but being that I have found myself in a quandary of sorts in keeping my thoughts rational, I thought I would give it a go and see what this fuss was about.

So with that, here is where I start… with the questions weighing on me. Balancing what is heard so often, those praises of the woman – how she is expected to be all, do all, bear all and still have dinner on the table, look ravishing and fit and oh by the way be charming and lovable. Seriously? Yes, I am woman and hear me roar. Yes, I can do all that. And Yes, I can do it in stilettos or flats should I choose them and look pretty damn good while I do it. But why is it that we are expected to? Is it a burden we place on ourselves, fighting for equality. Or one we say we fight, but really embrace to feel purpose? Why is it that a woman who cares about her child is referred to as a bear? Not a teddy bear but a mama bear with claws out ready to tear apart those who are in her way?

Be it a mother, a sister, a friend, a lover … why is it when we choose to fight or stand up for what we feel is right we are either a b&*^h or a crusader. Why are we not simply a woman…one who may be right or may be wrong, who has the right to make mistakes, be misguided or be educated and completely justified. I hope to someday be just that. A woman who stood up for what she felt was right, did not settle, was an amazing friend, family member, wife and mother. I don’t need any of the other labels, dramatic, crude or what have you.  I just want to be able to feel that I was the best me I could be and gave the best to my friends and family.