No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys...

Control freak cont. (or just crazy)

I continue to think about this 'control' assignment and am really still at a loss.  I have recognized some smaller day to day things and feel as though I have let 'go' of them as they come up.  I don't feel like I am trying to ‘control the world’.  But then again I never really felt I did – maybe I do?  Who knows.  I can admit that the one huge item weighing on me, I just cannot let go of. I cannot put it in God's hands, I cannot put it in a stranger's hands and in my opinion, there will not be reliable resources for a few years down the road. Every time I begin to think of the what-ifs I lose my emotions. 'Letting go' or not having control of this is not an option.

I contemplate about what else there is and where I can free up some of the mind bogging items.  But I feel so saturated that I don't even know where to start or what to feel about anything. I know I am trying to have really good, positive days. But I just seem to go from ok, to crying to angry/frustrated.

Then, it almost seems just to test me, my husband learned his ex has been discussing (his) kids with his mother (my mil). There are no boundaries it seems. The two of them discuss items, then before we know it, my husband's entire family knows our business without him knowing or until they ask him about it and he had no idea.  It is one thing to discuss little things, i.e. a grade in school but this is not the case.  My husband confronted her asking that this stop, it is his place and his business to share this sort of information with his family.  But then went on, and didn't care if they discussed him/us, just the kids should be kept private. Bingo, a prime example of do I speak up, or not. Is this something I can control? 

I know that I cannot control what anyone else chooses to share even if I wanted. However, I don't want our business, her frustrations with myself or my husband shared with my mother in law by his ex-wife. We are trying to mend a relationship there and while I am not 100% that we are a topic of discussion, I don't need it being one. So, I relayed that to my husband. Should I have let this be?  Not spoken up?  I don't know, but either way, I can't control the actual outcome. 

Once upon a time, I wouldn't have cared. If anyone felt the need to discuss me or my family or if anyone else felt the need to choose sides or share information that isn't theirs, then well that is between them and so be it. However my confidence is so shot and I feel so, so beaten, I don't want to even have to think about if someone else, especially an ex and a member of my family believe they have the okay to discuss issues of our children or venting of what we have/haven't done. I am not so vain to think my life or behavior is a topic of discussion, but it has happened in the past based on passing comments that at times we indeed are.  I just don’t need it.  Not now, not ever.

This leaves me feeling a bit crazy again. I don't feel like I have any control over these situations and while I know I can control my reaction to them, I have no confidence to feel stronger about my reaction.  The only thing I feel sure of is how much I hate feeling this way.  And that begets the vicious cycle of then feeling so selfish for feeling this way; so silly and pathetic.  After all, I am lucky to have all I do. I just am having a hard time seeing it through the cloud in my head right now.  I don't remember giving them away, but I want the keys back.  Now.

Girls Night Out

There’s something about seeing your girlfriends that I think helps the soul. It could also be the bottles of wine we have been known to finish off while chatting.

Lately, I have felt pretty lost. Almost as though I don’t even know myself anymore. It is a strange feeling and in the midst of keeping up with daily life’s chores,kids homework and their dramas, taking care of the home, the husband, the dog, work…. it is easy to not even realize you are lost. However, when there are those moments of quiet or calm and that feeling starts to come over you. It is almost like a gray fog that gradually becomes all-consuming.

I am not sure I would define it as depression, but that seems to be the easiest category to fit it into. I am working to learn how to manage this. How to find myself amidst it all, and actually discovering if the person I thought I was is actually who I am or just who I wanted to be. That complicates things a bit but in diving down deep to my subconscious self I begin to realize that it may just be that I never was that girl. Having some old friends surround you, with true girl perspective is helping me find out. And you know what I learned….. even if I wasn’t that girl and even if I am lost now… what a great time to carve a new path and start by being the woman I want to be now….

Where does a woman begin?

I used to keep a journal. I found that it really helped sort out the ramblings in my head. Allowing me to vent. Cry. Share what I dared not. All without sacrificing my secrets, privacy, and most of all pride. How ancient of me… Now it is facebook, blogs, everyone spewing every second of their day to 100′s or even 1000′s of ‘friends’. I am not sure if this is the right outlet for me, but being that I have found myself in a quandary of sorts in keeping my thoughts rational, I thought I would give it a go and see what this fuss was about.

So with that, here is where I start… with the questions weighing on me. Balancing what is heard so often, those praises of the woman – how she is expected to be all, do all, bear all and still have dinner on the table, look ravishing and fit and oh by the way be charming and lovable. Seriously? Yes, I am woman and hear me roar. Yes, I can do all that. And Yes, I can do it in stilettos or flats should I choose them and look pretty damn good while I do it. But why is it that we are expected to? Is it a burden we place on ourselves, fighting for equality. Or one we say we fight, but really embrace to feel purpose? Why is it that a woman who cares about her child is referred to as a bear? Not a teddy bear but a mama bear with claws out ready to tear apart those who are in her way?

Be it a mother, a sister, a friend, a lover … why is it when we choose to fight or stand up for what we feel is right we are either a b&*^h or a crusader. Why are we not simply a woman…one who may be right or may be wrong, who has the right to make mistakes, be misguided or be educated and completely justified. I hope to someday be just that. A woman who stood up for what she felt was right, did not settle, was an amazing friend, family member, wife and mother. I don’t need any of the other labels, dramatic, crude or what have you.  I just want to be able to feel that I was the best me I could be and gave the best to my friends and family.