Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Love = Trust, Don't think so...

Whomever said that to love someone completely you need to trust them never had a teenage child.....

Here I am.  A mother, a stepmother and a wife.  I am watching a slow decline in both trust of our son/step son; my husband and our family unit.  Don't get me wrong... I love my husband and trust him implicently from our relationship standpoint.  However I am not sure I trust his reaction to our/his son (my step son) in recent discinpline issues. 

Our situation is complicated.  Not any moreso than any other divorced family.  We consider our family ALL of us.   HIs ex manages the kids and herself but doesn't involve her husband, myself or actually my husband.  She shoots off about commentary but then folds.  My husbands is left wondering does he uphold what they agreed to, fold to her rules despite prior agreements or just create rules of our own because she doesn't uphold anything she even says herself?

So here I am with some rather serious teenage issues to battle.  I watch my husband suffer through the hate from our boy and the excuses from his ex.  I am mad because he goes against his word to me, but is trying to find a compromise so our son doesn't hate coming here.  I get even madder because that compromise goes against all initial agreements (with the BM included) as well as our core beliefs.  To me it shows our other boys hypocrisy. 

The mom - I used to semi-respect her.  The boys are good; however she does not respect my husband, their dad.  I am biased I know, but he deserves it.  She even says he does.  But he is treated like crap.  So am I.  How do we fix this??? 

This whole situation sucks.  It could be worse of course - but every professional and parent we have talked to says consistancy is key.  We try so hard - even typing up rules to follow at each house, family meetings etc and they are all thrown out....

I love our boy... but I don't trust him.  I love my husband but I don't trust he will stand strong.  What do I do??

Thursday, January 19, 2012

A real 'toy story'.

My son mentioned to me that his father told him he had sold his toys. He thought his dad was joking but hesitated. I encouraged him to ask him father and hopefully clear up what was looking to be a really bad joke. As my son was talking with me, he was reminiscing on old toys he used to play with and things that he missed. He mentioned that he really hoped certain ones weren't sold.

(One important side note is that my son rarely goes to his father's home anymore. Things have changed with his visitation and so my son had no idea what is still there at his dad's home or not. But regardless, these are things he still considered his, in 'his room' at his dad's home).

Then the big question finally asked over a phone call. 'Dad, did you really get rid of my stuff'? The answer.... 'Yes'.

Compounding this, is the fact that his father is moving; moving in with his fiancé who has another child and they are expecting one together. He is in a new home, where there is a room full of toys, but they are for someone else. My son has been there a few times. So... as a parent, do you say anything or not?

My head and heart were just exploding. I was so torn on what to do.  This isn't the first issue and it won't be the last.  At face value, it may even sound silly to be so upset over something like this.  But, it is the principle.  And anyone with children knows, there are some toys that are more than just plastic.  More than just a stuffed bear.  Plus what about just having something that was 'his' in the new place for when he does go there.

When my son hung up that phone and looked at me, his eyes looked sad and let down. Specifically there were two items he wanted, that meant something to him. Perhaps more but two he remembered. They were now gone, with no regard and no way to get them back.

I will confess that I gave in.  As much as I wanted to allow this to remain between the two of them, I later reached out and asked why these things were given away without asking. I wanted him to see or very least sense the disappointment. The sad look of my son fighting back being let down (again). How much he struggled to look me in the eye and go 'oh well, it really isn't a big deal mom' and then quickly look away so he wouldn't break down. But no matter what I say, those looks will never be viewed by his dad. My son plays strong for him. Doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Doesn't want to disappoint him.

The conversation only confirmed a few things for me. It did not do anything for my son. At least not yet. Perhaps his father will think twice now about any similar decisions he makes in the future. I want to fight this and many other battles for my son. I want to ease his broken heart. Especially when it is being broken by someone so close. I want to protect his precious and kind soul. I know I can't save him from the world around us, but that isn’t what is letting him down. It is also a lesson about 'things'.  They are just that and can be lost at any time.  I only hope that my hugs, tickle fights and snuggle time will provide temporary comfort for him.  He will get over this.  He won't harbor ill feelings.  He will see this is just one small piece of what may come his way.  And yes, people you love may let you down, in small or big ways.  But son, there’s a whole gang of us who have your back.