blurred vision

Vision is just one of our senses.  We rely on it to be safe, to perform our day to day duties, entertainment, etc.. It also can play tricks on us.  It has been a while since I have seen my ex in a normal day to day situation.  Typically it is in passing during the visitation drop off/pick up or randomly at an event.  During these times there is little interaction, he is dressed down and there is virtually no participation on his part.  In front of anyone, it is just a civil hello/goodbye.  Any other time, the conversation when there is one, has become hateful and argumentative or just one word answers.  I do not believe he is sober so I am always on guard for those little signals to give that away.

Recently, we met at an event that was right after work.  He came clean-shaven, dressed in his preppy way and was conversational.  After only speaking to someone or getting such angry communication from someone for so long, knowing their history of alcoholism - it was almost as though my vision of him had become blurred.  Much like the show Grimm.  Looking at him he would often morph into the sad, drunken person I was trying so hard to escape and protect my child from.  Seeing him in this light was confusing.  It is no wonder it has taken some people so long to know of his addiction.  It also reminded me that he, the true 'he' does still exist.  Deep down, somewhere in there. 

With that, it also terrifies me.  Is this a new beginning?  Is there really a new leaf or just a continued charade?  Does his new wife know of his past?  It is hard to believe that this is a possibility when there is so much continued blame and hate being thrown at you.  If one was truly recovered, there would be more acceptance and apology.  Humbleness.  I would welcome a fresh beginning if I saw that.  But there is none.  So here I am with blurred vision, not knowing what I see in front of me and wishing I had that magical prescription to see the truth. 

In the best interest...

I used to wonder why people stay together in an unhappy marriage ‘for the kids’, but now I sometimes understand it. After all, there is a lot (and I mean a LOT) of things that would be easier if you choose that route. I did not make that decision – I divorced for two significant reasons, 1) because I felt life is too short to be in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage and perhaps more importantly 2) felt it was in the best interest and health/safety for myself and my child.

At no time did I feel a direct threat to my life – and I feel for those that are in that situation. But I did have to talk my ex ‘off the ledge’ many times. I have watched as he passed out continuously, not being able to wake him. Wondered where on earth he may be because he was not home, but passed out on a metro train or other place. I could go on and on. Why I wound up in that situation is another story itself. But where things truly crossed a line for me is when there began to be a direct impact on my child.

One of the issues in dealing with addicts is that they often do not see the problem. Hence, nothing should be wrong and everyone else is the issue. That is where I am - and I am struggling with the ‘this is all your fault’, knowing it really isn’t, but hearing it enough to maybe/sort of start to believe it. When I am able to conquer that, where I then find myself is in the very vicious circle and the battle of the emotional vs. the logical of what is in the best interest of my child. I also question the best interest for myself because fighting these battles has a significant impact on all surrounding parties, but always above and beyond me, I do my part to put the impact on me aside and try to view what is it that is in the best interest of my child. Is it healthy or good that his heart is continually broken? Do I stand up for all the times I have had to explain things to his disappointing eyes? Am I a horrible mother because I am trying to protect my child and ensure they are mentally healthy and safe? When history has repeated itself so many times, how long do you keep hoping that maybe things have finally changed? And do I trust it has (knowing in my gut that it hasn’t) at the expense of my child?

My child wants time with my ex – thus the struggle. If they did not, I would fight much harder and be much more strict about it’s the by the papers or nothing. On his part, there is no stepping up, there are no proactive steps, and no proving himself which is something he has said he would work to do. But alas… here I am fighting the internal and emotion battle of what is truly in the best interest…