Often I have felt that it really takes a superhero to manage motherhood. How fitting that Halloween is tomorrow. It also makes me (dare I say) appreciate what my parents went through raising me. How is can we though be all to all and still be sane, hold a job, etc…
If there was ever a need to have a ‘bat light’ to shine out there and have my super hero come down out of the sky, save the day and make me feel wonderful as they run off into the night it really would be now. I do have a super-hero in my husband, but it is not the same. As wonderful and amazing as he makes me feel, he is no match for the guilt and weight I put on my own shoulders. He tries, but it is like kryptonite that can’t just be picked up, flown off to the middle of the desert and buried. Instead it just sits and weighs heavier and heavier until I crash.
Today however, I did something I rarely do. I gave myself a break. I was missing my (step)son’s game this morning due to a conflict in getting my son to and from seeing his father. At first I was so annoyed that this was impacting me seeing a game but then found out the game was cancelled. So I was very thankful I was not in the car with my super mad husband driving 3 hours for nothing. It then turned into a blessing in disguise. While he was (I am sure) cursing whomever it was responsible for not sharing fields were closed due to weather, I was home chipping away at a large pile of papers that needed dealing with.
On the way to see my son’s father, my son revealed frustrations in always going to his brothers games and sitting in the cold, doing nothing. It broke my heart as we moved and he is having to find new friends yet most of our weekends are in a car going from one sport to the next. I made the decision to stay back from the second game of the day and have my son play with a neighborhood friend while I made the cookies I owe for tomorrow’s Halloween party, continued chipping away at that pile of papers, organize bills etc… It was …. nice.
I hate to say that out loud because as I sit and think about it, I am rather bummed not to be watching our other boy play. However, if I push that guilt aside, today was actually really nice. I can’t tell you the last Sunday I have had to actually get stuff done, to cook real food – one where I actually need an apron and mixer, where I am sitting down and working on something instead of rushing around and watching the clock for when we have to run out the door.
I do truly wish I could be there and do it all. when our kids grow up – I want them to know or remember wow she was there all the time; but with the current demands of our kids and having multiple children as well as work, it feels virtually impossible to be there ALL of the time. I wish I did not have to work. But I do. I am also hoping as we get to know more people who our youngest will be able to go his own way more or have a friend to bring with him instead of resenting going to his brothers games. It is hard on him as well. But for all 3 of our children, whatever it is I do hope that when they do look back they will at least acknowledge how much I tried to be there for everything. And for every time I wasn’t, there was a reason…Even if that reason was to help their brother make friends and attempt to help myself from going insane.