What doesn't kill you....

Interesting saying right?  It's been a while since my last post, things have been a little hectic. I would dare to say more than hectic.  In fact what hasn't killed us... well you how the saying goes.

Raising kids is tough work - power to the single parents truly doing this alone.  Raising step-kids I still think tougher than dealing with your own.  The past two years have been a true test.  A test from teenagers struggling to find their way, to our youngest realizing some ugly truths, a test of marriage and commitment, of love and respect and ultimately of strength and patience.

I thought we had a pretty good family unit for a while - we are a blended family and one who always operated pretty well.  Without knowing if it is due to true teen angst, suppressed hatred or anger or 'rumblings' amongst households, we have had quite a show of drama.  Some typical, some not.  I ask myself 'is this what I put my parents through?'.  I know it isn't - maybe a slight version but not the ugliness we have had.  

All I can say is the grace and patience my husband has shown through the disrespect, the slaps in the face, the boldface lies, sleepless nights is that of Jobe.  He has held me as I shake and say "I just cannot do this", has put up with my frustration, has stood strong, has buckled, has had his own moments of jerkdom but has held it together more than not and most of all has shown love every step of the way.  Of course not everyone sees it that way....Maybe one day...

So here I am, back to my virtual diary and the therapy it brings.  Hoping that we have turned a bit of a corner in our personal little space in this world. Stay tuned.  

From a stronger me

100 Days of Thanks

I am challenging myself.  After a rough few weeks, if not months of feeling insane, angry, resentment, sadness and just well all over the place, I decided I needed to really try to focus to get myself out of this.  So I took the week prior to Thanksgiving to start my week countdown of what I am thankful for.  First thing in the morning, I pick one item and write it down.  After putting together my 7 days of thanks, I have decided why not make it my way to start each day.  What a way to begin each day in a positive manner and remember that despite no matter what may be going on there is something to be thankful for.  So here it goes:

1. for my amazing husband who stands by me no matter how crazy things (or I) get.
2. for my friends, old and new. I have the best ones on earth. always there when I need them. thanks for lifting me up, holding me through, making me laugh, showing me my mistakes and just making me a better person
3. For our amazing kids - each unique and so special. So proud and so crazy loved.
4. for my family - all my crazy relatives, incredible parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles cousins. All so supportive and so fun. I am lucky to have so much love.
5. today is an old friends birthday. One no longer with us and someone who helped change my life. Today I am especially thankful for knowing him and will be forever grateful for all he has done for our family.
6. for my home, I am lucky to have the house we have but most of all that's it home. It may not be the cleanest, most modern and needs a lot of TLC - but no matter our zip code we always try to keep it full of warmth, love laughter and fun.
7. for my freedoms and safe community. Easy to take for granted but very thankful for it and those who serve to protect them both.
8. Today, I will dare to say I am thankful for the heartache, the past, the worst days that all built me stronger and that ultimately brought me to the place I am now.

Happy Thanksgiving.... and looking forward to making each day a day of thanks.

No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys...

Control freak cont. (or just crazy)

I continue to think about this 'control' assignment and am really still at a loss.  I have recognized some smaller day to day things and feel as though I have let 'go' of them as they come up.  I don't feel like I am trying to ‘control the world’.  But then again I never really felt I did – maybe I do?  Who knows.  I can admit that the one huge item weighing on me, I just cannot let go of. I cannot put it in God's hands, I cannot put it in a stranger's hands and in my opinion, there will not be reliable resources for a few years down the road. Every time I begin to think of the what-ifs I lose my emotions. 'Letting go' or not having control of this is not an option.

I contemplate about what else there is and where I can free up some of the mind bogging items.  But I feel so saturated that I don't even know where to start or what to feel about anything. I know I am trying to have really good, positive days. But I just seem to go from ok, to crying to angry/frustrated.

Then, it almost seems just to test me, my husband learned his ex has been discussing (his) kids with his mother (my mil). There are no boundaries it seems. The two of them discuss items, then before we know it, my husband's entire family knows our business without him knowing or until they ask him about it and he had no idea.  It is one thing to discuss little things, i.e. a grade in school but this is not the case.  My husband confronted her asking that this stop, it is his place and his business to share this sort of information with his family.  But then went on, and didn't care if they discussed him/us, just the kids should be kept private. Bingo, a prime example of do I speak up, or not. Is this something I can control? 

I know that I cannot control what anyone else chooses to share even if I wanted. However, I don't want our business, her frustrations with myself or my husband shared with my mother in law by his ex-wife. We are trying to mend a relationship there and while I am not 100% that we are a topic of discussion, I don't need it being one. So, I relayed that to my husband. Should I have let this be?  Not spoken up?  I don't know, but either way, I can't control the actual outcome. 

Once upon a time, I wouldn't have cared. If anyone felt the need to discuss me or my family or if anyone else felt the need to choose sides or share information that isn't theirs, then well that is between them and so be it. However my confidence is so shot and I feel so, so beaten, I don't want to even have to think about if someone else, especially an ex and a member of my family believe they have the okay to discuss issues of our children or venting of what we have/haven't done. I am not so vain to think my life or behavior is a topic of discussion, but it has happened in the past based on passing comments that at times we indeed are.  I just don’t need it.  Not now, not ever.

This leaves me feeling a bit crazy again. I don't feel like I have any control over these situations and while I know I can control my reaction to them, I have no confidence to feel stronger about my reaction.  The only thing I feel sure of is how much I hate feeling this way.  And that begets the vicious cycle of then feeling so selfish for feeling this way; so silly and pathetic.  After all, I am lucky to have all I do. I just am having a hard time seeing it through the cloud in my head right now.  I don't remember giving them away, but I want the keys back.  Now.