A real 'toy story'.

My son mentioned to me that his father told him he had sold his toys. He thought his dad was joking but hesitated. I encouraged him to ask him father and hopefully clear up what was looking to be a really bad joke. As my son was talking with me, he was reminiscing on old toys he used to play with and things that he missed. He mentioned that he really hoped certain ones weren't sold.

(One important side note is that my son rarely goes to his father's home anymore. Things have changed with his visitation and so my son had no idea what is still there at his dad's home or not. But regardless, these are things he still considered his, in 'his room' at his dad's home).

Then the big question finally asked over a phone call. 'Dad, did you really get rid of my stuff'? The answer.... 'Yes'.

Compounding this, is the fact that his father is moving; moving in with his fiancé who has another child and they are expecting one together. He is in a new home, where there is a room full of toys, but they are for someone else. My son has been there a few times. So... as a parent, do you say anything or not?

My head and heart were just exploding. I was so torn on what to do.  This isn't the first issue and it won't be the last.  At face value, it may even sound silly to be so upset over something like this.  But, it is the principle.  And anyone with children knows, there are some toys that are more than just plastic.  More than just a stuffed bear.  Plus what about just having something that was 'his' in the new place for when he does go there.

When my son hung up that phone and looked at me, his eyes looked sad and let down. Specifically there were two items he wanted, that meant something to him. Perhaps more but two he remembered. They were now gone, with no regard and no way to get them back.

I will confess that I gave in.  As much as I wanted to allow this to remain between the two of them, I later reached out and asked why these things were given away without asking. I wanted him to see or very least sense the disappointment. The sad look of my son fighting back being let down (again). How much he struggled to look me in the eye and go 'oh well, it really isn't a big deal mom' and then quickly look away so he wouldn't break down. But no matter what I say, those looks will never be viewed by his dad. My son plays strong for him. Doesn't want to hurt his feelings. Doesn't want to disappoint him.

The conversation only confirmed a few things for me. It did not do anything for my son. At least not yet. Perhaps his father will think twice now about any similar decisions he makes in the future. I want to fight this and many other battles for my son. I want to ease his broken heart. Especially when it is being broken by someone so close. I want to protect his precious and kind soul. I know I can't save him from the world around us, but that isn’t what is letting him down. It is also a lesson about 'things'.  They are just that and can be lost at any time.  I only hope that my hugs, tickle fights and snuggle time will provide temporary comfort for him.  He will get over this.  He won't harbor ill feelings.  He will see this is just one small piece of what may come his way.  And yes, people you love may let you down, in small or big ways.  But son, there’s a whole gang of us who have your back.

No one can drive us crazy unless we give them the keys...

Control freak cont. (or just crazy)

I continue to think about this 'control' assignment and am really still at a loss.  I have recognized some smaller day to day things and feel as though I have let 'go' of them as they come up.  I don't feel like I am trying to ‘control the world’.  But then again I never really felt I did – maybe I do?  Who knows.  I can admit that the one huge item weighing on me, I just cannot let go of. I cannot put it in God's hands, I cannot put it in a stranger's hands and in my opinion, there will not be reliable resources for a few years down the road. Every time I begin to think of the what-ifs I lose my emotions. 'Letting go' or not having control of this is not an option.

I contemplate about what else there is and where I can free up some of the mind bogging items.  But I feel so saturated that I don't even know where to start or what to feel about anything. I know I am trying to have really good, positive days. But I just seem to go from ok, to crying to angry/frustrated.

Then, it almost seems just to test me, my husband learned his ex has been discussing (his) kids with his mother (my mil). There are no boundaries it seems. The two of them discuss items, then before we know it, my husband's entire family knows our business without him knowing or until they ask him about it and he had no idea.  It is one thing to discuss little things, i.e. a grade in school but this is not the case.  My husband confronted her asking that this stop, it is his place and his business to share this sort of information with his family.  But then went on, and didn't care if they discussed him/us, just the kids should be kept private. Bingo, a prime example of do I speak up, or not. Is this something I can control? 

I know that I cannot control what anyone else chooses to share even if I wanted. However, I don't want our business, her frustrations with myself or my husband shared with my mother in law by his ex-wife. We are trying to mend a relationship there and while I am not 100% that we are a topic of discussion, I don't need it being one. So, I relayed that to my husband. Should I have let this be?  Not spoken up?  I don't know, but either way, I can't control the actual outcome. 

Once upon a time, I wouldn't have cared. If anyone felt the need to discuss me or my family or if anyone else felt the need to choose sides or share information that isn't theirs, then well that is between them and so be it. However my confidence is so shot and I feel so, so beaten, I don't want to even have to think about if someone else, especially an ex and a member of my family believe they have the okay to discuss issues of our children or venting of what we have/haven't done. I am not so vain to think my life or behavior is a topic of discussion, but it has happened in the past based on passing comments that at times we indeed are.  I just don’t need it.  Not now, not ever.

This leaves me feeling a bit crazy again. I don't feel like I have any control over these situations and while I know I can control my reaction to them, I have no confidence to feel stronger about my reaction.  The only thing I feel sure of is how much I hate feeling this way.  And that begets the vicious cycle of then feeling so selfish for feeling this way; so silly and pathetic.  After all, I am lucky to have all I do. I just am having a hard time seeing it through the cloud in my head right now.  I don't remember giving them away, but I want the keys back.  Now.

blurred vision

Vision is just one of our senses.  We rely on it to be safe, to perform our day to day duties, entertainment, etc.. It also can play tricks on us.  It has been a while since I have seen my ex in a normal day to day situation.  Typically it is in passing during the visitation drop off/pick up or randomly at an event.  During these times there is little interaction, he is dressed down and there is virtually no participation on his part.  In front of anyone, it is just a civil hello/goodbye.  Any other time, the conversation when there is one, has become hateful and argumentative or just one word answers.  I do not believe he is sober so I am always on guard for those little signals to give that away.

Recently, we met at an event that was right after work.  He came clean-shaven, dressed in his preppy way and was conversational.  After only speaking to someone or getting such angry communication from someone for so long, knowing their history of alcoholism - it was almost as though my vision of him had become blurred.  Much like the show Grimm.  Looking at him he would often morph into the sad, drunken person I was trying so hard to escape and protect my child from.  Seeing him in this light was confusing.  It is no wonder it has taken some people so long to know of his addiction.  It also reminded me that he, the true 'he' does still exist.  Deep down, somewhere in there. 

With that, it also terrifies me.  Is this a new beginning?  Is there really a new leaf or just a continued charade?  Does his new wife know of his past?  It is hard to believe that this is a possibility when there is so much continued blame and hate being thrown at you.  If one was truly recovered, there would be more acceptance and apology.  Humbleness.  I would welcome a fresh beginning if I saw that.  But there is none.  So here I am with blurred vision, not knowing what I see in front of me and wishing I had that magical prescription to see the truth. 

Wonder Woman.... where are you?

Often I have felt that it really takes a superhero to manage motherhood. How fitting that Halloween is tomorrow. It also makes me (dare I say) appreciate what my parents went through raising me. How is can we though be all to all and still be sane, hold a job, etc…

If there was ever a need to have a ‘bat light’ to shine out there and have my super hero come down out of the sky, save the day and make me feel wonderful as they run off into the night it really would be now. I do have a super-hero in my husband, but it is not the same. As wonderful and amazing as he makes me feel, he is no match for the guilt and weight I put on my own shoulders. He tries, but it is like kryptonite that can’t just be picked up, flown off to the middle of the desert and buried. Instead it just sits and weighs heavier and heavier until I crash.

Today however, I did something I rarely do. I gave myself a break. I was missing my (step)son’s game this morning due to a conflict in getting my son to and from seeing his father. At first I was so annoyed that this was impacting me seeing a game but then found out the game was cancelled. So I was very thankful I was not in the car with my super mad husband driving 3 hours for nothing. It then turned into a blessing in disguise. While he was (I am sure) cursing whomever it was responsible for not sharing fields were closed due to weather, I was home chipping away at a large pile of papers that needed dealing with.

On the way to see my son’s father, my son revealed frustrations in always going to his brothers games and sitting in the cold, doing nothing. It broke my heart as we moved and he is having to find new friends yet most of our weekends are in a car going from one sport to the next. I made the decision to stay back from the second game of the day and have my son play with a neighborhood friend while I made the cookies I owe for tomorrow’s Halloween party, continued chipping away at that pile of papers, organize bills etc… It was …. nice.

I hate to say that out loud because as I sit and think about it, I am rather bummed not to be watching our other boy play. However, if I push that guilt aside, today was actually really nice. I can’t tell you the last Sunday I have had to actually get stuff done, to cook real food – one where I actually need an apron and mixer, where I am sitting down and working on something instead of rushing around and watching the clock for when we have to run out the door.

I do truly wish I could be there and do it all. when our kids grow up – I want them to know or remember wow she was there all the time; but with the current demands of our kids and having multiple children as well as work, it feels virtually impossible to be there ALL of the time. I wish I did not have to work. But I do. I am also hoping as we get to know more people who our youngest will be able to go his own way more or have a friend to bring with him instead of resenting going to his brothers games. It is hard on him as well. But for all 3 of our children, whatever it is I do hope that when they do look back they will at least acknowledge how much I tried to be there for everything. And for every time I wasn’t, there was a reason…Even if that reason was to help their brother make friends and attempt to help myself from going insane.